___________

You heard it here, folks! We should be thanking 4Chan. 


[This is from a screencap from my friend’s page that she shared on Facebook that was too small to read. These are the words of Letha Connor Frye.]
There are a lot of people who are new to the lifestyle or have discovered the life because of a certain series of books…..to them I say this:
Let me
just
fucking
drop
some fucking
knowledge on you right now.
Wanna know the BDSM mantra? Safe, sane, consensual. 
So let me explain why this book was devoid of all three of these things.
Safe - In the first few chapters of the novel, Christian Grey tracks Ana’s cell phone to find her at a club. Takes her home when she’s drunk, changes her when she’s so intoxicated she doesn’t remember him doing so, and informs her [that] he will be keeping tabs on her for her own benefit. This is not the behaviour of a respectable Dominant. This is the behaviour of a power hungry, abusive asshole who really can’t take no for an answer.
Sane - One of the most important parts of BDSM is aftercare. Scenes can be extremely traumatizing and intense for the submissive. Aftercare is anything from petting to cuddling to holding to sweet talking, whatever degree of gentleness a [Submissive] would need to pull them out of “subspace”. How does Christian provide aftercare? He submits Ana to traumatizing first time spanking experience AND THEN FUCKING LEAVES. AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE WAS UPSET. He’s the one who should fucking know better! That, again, is not the act of a responsible Dominant. It’s the fact of a selfish abuser.
Consensual - Did I mention he undressed her when she was belligerently drunk? Tracked her phone to locate her? He also buys her a new car despite her saying no countless times. Now, consent is important for any kind of sexual activity at all. Consent means informed, consent means enthusiastic. Informed, enthusiastic consent. This is crucial in a BDSM setting. Scenes can be extremely intense, especially for the [Submissive]. What is Christian’s form of obtaining consent? Handing Ana a fucking contract highlighting all the things he wants to do [to] her asshole and asking her to sign it. She was a virgin (Don’t even get me fucking started) who had never before been exposed to BDSM. Entering in that kind of relationship takes a gargantuan amount of trust and knowledge so you know exactly what you’re getting into. Not reading a list of kinks on a piece of paper and signing your rights to say no away. Christian didn’t offer her resources; he didn’t over her information. He gave her an ultimatum. That is not the sort of consent a responsible Dom/me would seek from their Submissive.
Fuck. This. Book. It’s written in a shitty way [and] it’s a terrible example of a BDSM relationship (ask anybody already involved in the lifestyle and watch them go blue in the face just thinking about it), which is already faced with enough prejudice and misunderstanding and it romanticizes and glorifies abuse.
with love,
Your friendly RL non-fictional Pervert.
Me. [Letha Connor Frye]
—To Ms. Frye, I completely and wholeheartedly agree.—

_________
While I am 100% here for people calling out 50 Shades, I have a question I’ve long wondered about the BDSM mantra…isn’t the use of “sane” ableist and can feel pretty exclusionary? 

[This is from a screencap from my friend’s page that she shared on Facebook that was too small to read. These are the words of Letha Connor Frye.]

There are a lot of people who are new to the lifestyle or have discovered the life because of a certain series of books…..to them I say this:

Let me

just

fucking

drop

some fucking

knowledge on you right now.

Wanna know the BDSM mantra? Safe, sane, consensual.

So let me explain why this book was devoid of all three of these things.

Safe - In the first few chapters of the novel, Christian Grey tracks Ana’s cell phone to find her at a club. Takes her home when she’s drunk, changes her when she’s so intoxicated she doesn’t remember him doing so, and informs her [that] he will be keeping tabs on her for her own benefit. This is not the behaviour of a respectable Dominant. This is the behaviour of a power hungry, abusive asshole who really can’t take no for an answer.

Sane - One of the most important parts of BDSM is aftercare. Scenes can be extremely traumatizing and intense for the submissive. Aftercare is anything from petting to cuddling to holding to sweet talking, whatever degree of gentleness a [Submissive] would need to pull them out of “subspace”. How does Christian provide aftercare? He submits Ana to traumatizing first time spanking experience AND THEN FUCKING LEAVES. AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE WAS UPSET. He’s the one who should fucking know better! That, again, is not the act of a responsible Dominant. It’s the fact of a selfish abuser.

Consensual - Did I mention he undressed her when she was belligerently drunk? Tracked her phone to locate her? He also buys her a new car despite her saying no countless times. Now, consent is important for any kind of sexual activity at all. Consent means informed, consent means enthusiastic. Informed, enthusiastic consent. This is crucial in a BDSM setting. Scenes can be extremely intense, especially for the [Submissive]. What is Christian’s form of obtaining consent? Handing Ana a fucking contract highlighting all the things he wants to do [to] her asshole and asking her to sign it. She was a virgin (Don’t even get me fucking started) who had never before been exposed to BDSM. Entering in that kind of relationship takes a gargantuan amount of trust and knowledge so you know exactly what you’re getting into. Not reading a list of kinks on a piece of paper and signing your rights to say no away. Christian didn’t offer her resources; he didn’t over her information. He gave her an ultimatum. That is not the sort of consent a responsible Dom/me would seek from their Submissive.

Fuck. This. Book. It’s written in a shitty way [and] it’s a terrible example of a BDSM relationship (ask anybody already involved in the lifestyle and watch them go blue in the face just thinking about it), which is already faced with enough prejudice and misunderstanding and it romanticizes and glorifies abuse.

with love,

Your friendly RL non-fictional Pervert.

Me. [Letha Connor Frye]

—To Ms. Frye, I completely and wholeheartedly agree.—

_________

While I am 100% here for people calling out 50 Shades, I have a question I’ve long wondered about the BDSM mantra…isn’t the use of “sane” ableist and can feel pretty exclusionary? 

If you shame women for expressing self confidence because their bodies don’t fit your criteria of ~selfie-worthy~ then you’re basically worth less than a piece of chewed gum.

_____

I like how there’s a caveat for who this person appears to find attractive….OF COURSE. 

ab-absurdum said: Hi, regarding the college tuition stuff, I go to a small, but public university that charges 26k for tuition. Sooo I'm not sure where there are universities that charge 4-6k... But the point is, the Ivys are more in the range of 54k+, 30 is in the "average" range for a public university. Hell, even community colleges charge 1000 for a class...

Yeah, I’m not sure.


I reported this asswipe to Facebook and apparently it doesn’t violate any community guidelines or whatever So… I guess rape jokes are A-OK to Facebook!

______
Disgusting. 

I reported this asswipe to Facebook and apparently it doesn’t violate any community guidelines or whatever So… I guess rape jokes are A-OK to Facebook!

______

Disgusting. 

_______
WTF

_______

WTF

sarenne-fr said: I don't mind whether you answer this publicly or privately. It's not really important enough to be published imo. Anyway, your blog is great and when I leave tumblr for a day or two I always make sure to check it first! But lately the posts have just been depressing to me and I'm going to unfollow you, at least for a bit. I'll probably refollow you when I'm happier as a person. So, um, yeah. Just thought I'd let you know ^_^'

No prob! Always take care of yourself first. (Publishing pubilcly so that everyone knows I’m not offended by unfollows!)


Let’s take pictures of people without their consent and then make fun of them on Facebook!
This definitely rubbed me the wrong way…

Let’s take pictures of people without their consent and then make fun of them on Facebook!

This definitely rubbed me the wrong way…

disappearandfly said: If you're going to a school where the tuition alone is 30k, i don't think you really have the right to complain about that number. you can just as easily choose a public university, where generally it'll be around 4 to 6. (at least in the US). it's like complaining you don't have enough gas money to fuel the rolls royce.

That’s true, and that particular girl should probably think about that. But in general…so many of the “elite” educations that one could receive have that high price tag. I think it’s really fucked up that those experiences (which frequently translate into other opportunities and networking) would only be reserved for certain people. 


Saw this comment posted on a thread about the recent ebola outbreak. I’ve reported it to Facebook as well, but I know from first-hand experience that they barely ever do anything about stuff like this.

________
My god. The level of shit today is particularly virulent. I can’t.

Saw this comment posted on a thread about the recent ebola outbreak. I’ve reported it to Facebook as well, but I know from first-hand experience that they barely ever do anything about stuff like this.

________

My god. The level of shit today is particularly virulent. I can’t.

endolith said: Hi! Do you have a mail I can submit to? Since you can't submit via tumblr when you're on a phone. :(

Yup! Alynn(at)nerdyfeminist.com, but sometimes it can take me much longer to publish from there. 

ryans0219 said: while that thing about college is the EPITOME of a "white whine" I feel the need to point out that our system is effed anyways because they fail to account for any sort of debt/bills/mortgage when adjusting tuition. Plus they are privatizing the public education system but thats a rant for another day.

Yeah, you are totally right. I am disturbed by the financing of the US higher ed system generally, but her actual statement was…


(I wish to stay anonymous) I hope this isn’t too small to read and I apologize for all the profanity, I got a bit carried away from my usual calmness. I saw on facebook this status and thought “this sounds terrible” so I started looking through the comments and they were just as bad. So, I replied. The girl who made the status then tried to defend her status by saying “I’m not talking about tweens!! I’m talking about 14-16 year old” which doesn’t change anything. I then tried explaining to her that a person could be as provocative as possible in front of someone else and the person would still not be allowed to do anything to the provocative person without their consent, to which Josh suddenly replied…I’m absolutely shocked. It’s as if he sees rape as some kind of behavior management method and for people who “need attention”.

_________
I couldn’t make it though this…utterly horrific. 

(I wish to stay anonymous) 

I hope this isn’t too small to read and I apologize for all the profanity, I got a bit carried away from my usual calmness. I saw on facebook this status and thought “this sounds terrible” so I started looking through the comments and they were just as bad. So, I replied. The girl who made the status then tried to defend her status by saying “I’m not talking about tweens!! I’m talking about 14-16 year old” which doesn’t change anything. I then tried explaining to her that a person could be as provocative as possible in front of someone else and the person would still not be allowed to do anything to the provocative person without their consent, to which Josh suddenly replied…I’m absolutely shocked. It’s as if he sees rape as some kind of behavior management method and for people who “need attention”.

_________

I couldn’t make it though this…utterly horrific. 

cornersoftheuniverse said: I've been following your blog for a while and while I absolutely love it, I often leave it with a sense of world-weariness. I'm surprised you haven't lost total faith in humanity. Your blog shows how awful the world can be. So do you find inspiration or a reason to stay positive and continue what you're doing? Xxx

Lord do I ever know what you mean. It’s tough…like I just added 2 posts to the queue (so far) that made my skin crawl and I couldn’t finish reading. I have to hold on to the hope that someone, somewhere is having their mind changed when they see this crap. 

Or that many of my submitters feel relief, connection to others, and catharsis when they submit. 

I generally stay positive by having a very active group of awesome activisty friends and doing things in my community. I have a hilarious, supportive, creative partner who I spend my life with. Most of the media I consume for fun (movies/shows/boosk) are lighthearted. I also unplug whenever I can (I was travelling for the past week and only got on line twice, it was lovely.) And then there are all of the awesome people here who say sweet, supportive things…I try to focus on them and not the bullies and trolls. 

TW: violence against women, sexual violence

I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds at 6pm yesterday. Due to the earlier air time, they had to censor any of the swear words that they’re allowed to use at the regular broadcast time of 9pm. This is because younger children might still be awake, and may have stumbled across the episode.

This particular episode was about one woman (of many implied in the storyline) who has been kidnapped, severely abused, and held captive for 8 years by an abusive man. This episode, like many similar episodes of many shows featuring violence against women, includes scenes where the man abuses the woman.

It struck me that while minor curse words must be bleeped out in order to save children from hearing “ass,” they didn’t have to censor any of the violence against women. It’s ok for children to watch a man choking a woman with a seatbelt strap, but god forbid they hear ~the a word~?

It’s really gross that violence against women, especially sexual violence against women, is so normalized that it doesn’t even have to be censored when aired during daytime TV.

______

Yup…super fucked up.